The Childfree and Grief
We got a letter last month from Joan, who would like some comments or opinions on how the childfree deal with grief. She writes:
I find that people with children get over death so much easier. Losing one’s mother/father/ sister/child/best friend/cat and not having a child-centered life means all I do is think about my loved one not being there for me. I find the people I know don’t grieve the same way as me. The ones with kids don’t have time – or they have a child making demands on them or making them smile through their sadness. I don’t have that. It’s different for me.
(Edited for grammar, punctuation, spelling, and clarity.)
So, readers: how do you feel about childfreedom and grief? Let us have your opinions!
Copyright Martha Kneib. Published 1 December 2008 in Letters.
Reader comments
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Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I don’t have other people/things in my life to help my through my grief. If my sister or mom dies, I have my partner. If my partner dies, I have my mom and sister. I have friends. I have a career that can easily take over my life if I allow it. I have hobbies that make me happy both physically and emotionally (like yoga).
I have gotten over deaths of family members by throwing myself into schoolwork and dance, and taken comfort in familial and friendly bonds. I don’t have a child – but I have plenty of other things in my life to help me through my grief.
permalink — 1 December 2008, 11:59
I haven’t had much experience with grief, as I only lost all my grandparents so far. But like earlgreyroiboos I think my partner and my friends will be there to comfort me the day I will lose one of my parents, or a close friend. I have many hobbies and an associative life that take much of my time and also take my mind off things if needed, and as a Christian I don’t take death too seriously if I may put it that way. :)
permalink — 2 December 2008, 00:35
Having had 2 loved ones deaths close together I feel like I know something about grief, and in my experience the amount of grief a person feels is related to how you feel about the person dying (someone dying in their early 50’s is entirely different than someone dying in their early 80’s), and how much time you have to react to the situation. Had I had children when that happened, I think that my grief would have been worse, because I couldn’t have just gone to bed at 3pm depressed, which is actually part of the healing process.
In my own experience grieving is an internal process, and some people cope much better than others. External stressors (jobs, money, death related conflict, worries about the future etc) tend to add to the grief or delay the completion of the grief processs, which can in my own experience take at least 5 years. So having children would in my experience made the grief worse, or have caused resentment because I couldn’t take my time with day to day things because I was grieving and taking things slowly (people who are grieving often end up achieving less during the grief process).
permalink — 2 December 2008, 09:50
Yes, it’s true that as a childfree person, I have fewer distractions to keep me from feeling my feelings, thinking my thoughts and in the event of losing someone – grieving. I have my friends, my siblings, my husband, my co-workers, etc., but they are not hanging off my pant legs 24 hours a day demanding every speck of attention from me and usurping all of my emotional energy.
But I look at it this in a positive light. I am GLAD I have the ability to truly grieve, to feel and think, to be with my thoughts. Yes, grieving hurts but grieving is also necessary and it’s part of what makes us human.
I feel sorry for people whose chaotic lives with children keep them from confronting their feelings, even when those feelings are grief. I know that many parents would give their right arm to have 10 minutes of alone time to think.
permalink — 4 December 2008, 04:08