The Best of Both Worlds? Maybe Not.
Some single men and women without children of their own may believe there are possible benefits to dating a divorced parent. Some biological parents I have spoken to think it can give you insight into parenthood without ever having to change a diaper yourself. Like a part time job, you’re clocked in about one night a week and every other weekend if you’re dating a dad. If you’re dating a mom, chances are it’s more often than that, but for some that’s not a big deal.
For some men and women, this can be the perfect compromise – a ready made family-type atmosphere, without undergoing labor pains or administering medicine or discipline. After all, the children belong to the biological parent, so that person should handle the parenting without assistance from their new love interest, correct? Well, you may very well be lucky enough to escape the task of wiping messy bottoms if the parent assumes all the responsibilities, and many do, but it is also possible that if your childed admirer shows signs of being co-dependent early on, you’ll find yourself up to your elbows in all other kinds of messes as the relationship develops.
Allow me to make myself clear: I am giving examples of what some women went through while dating divorced dads. I also mention one stunt that a divorced dad actually pulled on me, but these warnings do not apply only to childfree women. I know for a fact that there are divorced moms who are capable of the same behavior. Some divorced mothers date men and start tapping them as if they were human ATMs, claiming they have no choice but to lean on their new beaux because the supposed “dead beat” dads always fall short. Yes, women too can expect a new love interest to take over the role of daddy simply because mom wishes she could undo her first pick who somehow “tricked her” into letting him be the father of her child.
Let me also state that I have spoken to many childfree women who have taken on the task of dating a divorced father, and these women have either a) graciously accepted the role as an additional caregiver, or b) made it very clear early on that they never want to play any role whatsoever in the upbringing of the child. The key to success in scenario A is that dad doesn’t take advantage and she doesn’t overstep the boundaries. As for scenario B – dad can and does handle matters all on his own and sees to it that his partner is treated with due respect. These are all good signs that the relationship can happily endure. However, your gut might start sending you signals that it is time to reconsider your involvement. Respect those warning signs for what they are – ample evidence that it is time to cut and run. In other words, make like marital assets in a divorce decree and split.
If the guy you’re dating talks only of missing his child(ren) so much so that he gets visibly upset, that’s a deal breaker.
It’s one thing to long to see your kids when you originally thought you would see them every day. I completely understand that tendency. However, if you’re trying to enjoy an evening out for two but dad starts sobbing when he looks over at a nearby party of three complete with toddler in booster seat, pay the check and leave. Tell him, “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” It’s practically impossible to delve into a romantic prospect when dad is going on and on about how much he misses his kid. Prediction: Two years down the line, you’ll be discussing, on a daily basis, the next strategy in his ongoing child custody battle.
If the person you’re dating expects you to babysit without any notice…
This happened to me once…ONCE. We had gone out on a couple of dates and then one day, dad showed up at my doorstep with the little bundle of his responsibility and said, “I need you to watch him.” I didn’t have the heart to turn the toddler away; I took care of him and returned him when his dad had completed his errand. What I refused to return were the phone calls that dad made to me after that incident. Now that I’m older, I know that if a divorced dad ever tries that in the beginning, it’s a sure sign that in the future he’s not going to ask for some assistance from time to time, he’ll outright expect it. Prediction: Ten months into the relationship, you’ll be the one taking the child to the doctor because dad has to work, plus he’ll forget to reimburse you the money for the co-pay.
He jumps through hoops for the ex.
Picture this: you’ve prepared a meal for the two of you at your place. You look fantastic and so does the salmon entrée that took you an hour and a half to prepare. You just sit down to the table when his cell phone rings. You hear an unfamiliar but demanding voice of a woman on the other end of the phone and you want desperately for him to turn down the volume so you won’t be traumatized. The ex starts the conversation between the two of them and it goes something like this:
“I can’t find Jr’s favorite pair of SpongeBob socks. You must have them. He’s crying. Bring them to me, RIGHT NOW”.
“I don’t think I have his socks. I packed them with him last week.”
“Well, I can’t find them and he’s crying, so bring them to me NOW.”
“He has more than one pair of socks. He can wear another pair for now.”
“Don’t tell me how to provide for my child. I should have known that you wouldn’t care that they’re his favorite. You didn’t even pay for them and you have them. BRING THEM NOW.”
If dad grabs his keys and cuts out on you and the salmon dinner over SpongeBob socks, you be sure to cut the courtship then and there. It’s only the beginning of a life filled with similar inconveniences. The dinner’s gone cold and soon the relationship will follow suit if you choose to stay involved. Prediction: Two years later, instead of helping with chores around the house that you bought together, he’s over at the ex’s house changing the oil in her car – for the child’s safety, of course.
Now, I understand I’ve painted a dreary picture of the prospective blended family, and no one can fairly state that it’s impossible to date a divorced parent. It can be done.
I’m a firm believer that independent men and women can succeed at this type of relationship if they try, especially if they have individual interests that they pursue outside of the courtship. They make their own money and keep doing the things that they love to do. When there’s an opportunity for a night out with a few friends during the weekend with the kid, these childfree adult might go one way and the parented adult go another.
As with any newly forming relationship, trouble signs are worth heeding. This particular situation is special because when dating a divorced parent, don’t forget that there is a child involved. Do not assume things will get easier. If a parent is dead set on placing the child’s wants ahead of your reasonable needs, you’re bound to be hit with the selfish bingo. How can you ask me to attend this wedding with you when you know it’s my weekend and the bride has forbidden children to attend? I’m sorry that I didn’t acknowledge your birthday but the little one wants a Wii desperately and I’m saving up for that. Though step-parenting may only be part time, consider how you will deal with the inevitable disruptions in your life. Depending on the personality of the childed love interest, not to mention that of the child(ren) that will become part of your life, dating a divorced parent may not be the best of both worlds.
Copyright . Published 1 May 2008 in The Zone.
Maybe you should rethink your investment. Children aren’t the problem.
permalink — 1 May 2008, 13:28
Well Written and informative!
I think that all men and women can relate to this at some point in their lives!
I, however have lucked out in this sitaution. I am a mother of a toddler and luckily have found someone who takes care of my son as he was his own and loves him all the same!
permalink — 2 May 2008, 05:06
Very interesting. I know so many divorced single moms, and it really is a holy nightmare. It’s really hard for them to date. First, they have to find a guy that will date them b/c of the ready made family. Secondly, they have to find the time to date, and it just goes on. The guys often aren’t interested in the drama of the woman’s children, and, as you’ve said, the woman almost always has the children most of the time.
I love the human ATM analogy, and it’s so true!
I would never want to date a man that had kids, for a number of reasons. It’s classic for the man to try to find a replacement to help him out when he has the kids. And as a CF woman, I wouldn’t want to get stuck raising or caring for someone else’s kids. Most men are just not that interested in kids to begin with, and they really don’t want to be in charge, even if it’s one day a week. And, sadly, once the relationship that spawned the kids is over, they have moved on emotionally, and don’t care that much about the kids anymore. I know this is horrible, but unfortunately, I think it’s true for most men.
permalink — 4 May 2008, 08:50
I have to say that it really depends on the parent. I’ve dated only two women with children, one with a daughter in another town, so I had contact with her in holidays. No problem, I was treated fairly and didn’t mind helping out with things now and then.
The other mother had 2 children, was highly strung and because she had just separated from her cheating husband, had issues with all men. While the children were ok (some times good, some not so good) an unexpected twist was a 16 year old foreign student who shared a birthday with me. Alas, the student didn’t like me so I only saw my girlfriend for about 30 minutes that day. She was a learning experience. Fast forward to now, having dated 2 lovely, stable women without children and I have to say that I will never date a parent again. You’ll never come first on their list, and parenting can be boring for an observer sitting quietly waiting for parenting to be done before a, b or c can be done.
permalink — 4 May 2008, 17:02
Sorry to say but this story sounds typical of most divorced dad’s. Their short comings which most likely caused the marrage to fail will slowly tickle down to the next relationship. Besides who wants to be the ‘evil’ step-mother anyway.
permalink — 4 May 2008, 19:46
I’m going to have to agree with John – it depends on the person. Some parents are in a better place and can manage a healthy relationship while being a parent, and other’s just haven’t gotten there yet. Either way, these types of relationships always seem more complicated, so I will never date a parent. It’s just not for me.
permalink — 6 May 2008, 06:22