Riding the Fence
Should you have children or live childfree?
Some people grow up knowing that they will have a kid or ten. Others have always known that having children would never be one of their life goals. Then there are those that wish that they could make this decision once and for all. For fencesitters, there is no easy answer.
Unlike those who have fallen on one side or the other, fencesitters are left trying to figure out the pros and cons to both parenthood and childfree living. Should one cherish the free time and disposable income (however little) that they have? Could having children be worth the big life changes? There are many resources that focus only on the Kodak moments. Others promise to show you how to have it all. Here, we will look at the issues of this decision in a more practical way.
Who are you having kids for?
Having children is something that will completely change your life. But you’ll never know if it’s for better or worse until it’s too late to change your mind. So wouldn’t it be great if this decision was made with your own best interests in mind? Your parents may be pressuring you for grandchildren. Your significant other may have baby rabies. But letting them make the decision for you won’t absolve you of the responsibility of taking care of a child.
Ask yourself if you actually long for children, or if you are trying to make someone else happy. Are you folding to pressure to pass on the family name? Are you letting friends convince you that you are missing out on something? Or do you really believe that you would enjoy raising a child? If it’s the latter, then having children may be for you. If you are letting others lead you down the path to parenthood, you may resent the many sacrifices that come with that lifestyle. Try asking your friends, family and your significant other to leave the topic alone for a period of time while you think things through. If your urge to parent dissipates, you probably never had a very sincere urge to begin with.
What are your goals?
Take a nice long look at all of the things you would like to accomplish in life. Then add to that all of your hobbies. Ask yourself if you can accomplish these goals and continue the pass-times if you have children. Would you still be able to start your own business like you’d always dreamed? Or would you need to stick with the job that offers good family rates on insurance? If you could still accomplish your goals, are you willing to put them on hold for a few years until the kids are older? Or do you feel they have been put off long enough? Children may not hinder any goals or hobbies in the least. On the other hand, you may have to make some big sacrifices.
You may think that you can just start your business in five years instead of next year. But what if you have a special needs child? You may very well end up spending more time and money on childrearing than you expected. If you have to give up too many things you’ve worked hard for, you may grow to resent the fact that you had children. And no child deserves to be resented by their parents.
How well do you interact with children?
Many people state that the only kids they like are their own. But crossing your fingers and hoping you like your own child is a bad idea. Before you make a final decision to have children, take the time to see if you can handle taking care of them day-to-day. It’s easy when you can give them back when they start to cry. And being able to care for a child overnight is much different than meeting their needs everyday for eighteen years.
Try babysitting for a friend or family member while they are on vacation. See how well you handle being the sole provider for a child over a period of time. Spend time with children of different ages. That baby you want so much is going to grow to be a toddler that gets into everything. The child that you get to teach to play baseball will start out as a helpless infant. Make sure you can handle the other stages of life because there is no avoiding them.
Also, see how much help you receive from a spouse or partner. If you find yourself doing all of the work (or if they get frazzled easily) you may find yourself being the main caregiver when you thought you would both put in equal time. If you are the one pushing the kid off on a partner, you may want the Kodak moments, but you don’t really want to be responsible for a kid. And your partner is going to get fed up with doing all of the work fairly quickly.
These are just a few of the issues that you’ll want to consider when deciding what side of the fence is right for your. Be honest with yourself about your motivations for having or not having children. Ultimately you will need to figure out which decision leads to the least regrets. The grass may look green on both sides. The question is which side has more brown spots.
Copyright A. Sowell. Published 1 October 2007 in Features.
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