Playing the Child-Hater
Many childfree people find themselves having to play the role of child-hater to avoid being bingoed by friends and family.
Not having children does not mean hating them. Many childfree people enjoy children; they may work or volunteer with children, or just enjoy spending time with them. However, the assumption that liking children means wanting them is leading some childfree to pretend to hate children in order to avoid being teased or harassed about their childfreedom.
“Younger children can be fun to play with, and teenagers can be fascinating individuals,” says Sara* from Tennessee. “This doesn’t mean I want children. Oftentimes I find myself saying especially nasty things about them in order to drive the point home.”
“It always seems to have to come to ‘I despise kids,’” says Rachel from California. “I actually don’t, but it seems to be the only thing that doesn’t set off a round of ‘Awww, you’ll change your mind!’ Even mentioning my upcoming sterilization doesn’t seem to help.”
Others run into this problem with family. Emma from northern England says a confrontation with her mother led to her “referring to the potential grandchild she was harassing me for as ‘the thing.’ No way do I regard children as ‘things’ and it upset me that I felt driven to say something like that to get the message across.” Spouses may also be drawn in: Tina finds that she and her husband, Steve, rely on a fictitious account of Steve’s hatred of children to dispel rumors that her selfishness is depriving him of his desired progeny.
Even those who work with children often find their ability to voice approval of them curtailed by potential bingoing. “Even at the gym,” says Cathi, a gymnastics coach from Ontario, “I often pretend that I’m only interested in little girls for their potential when I’m actually as fond of them as I am of their toe point. It’s just easier if I don’t want to hear ‘see, you do like kids!’ later on.”
However, this problem isn’t restricted to those who enjoy kids. Even childfree people who dislike children have found themselves having to play up their feelings to avoid confrontation. Morgan from Australia says “I go to greater lengths than before to ignore [children], because people will try to read an emotional judgment into everything I do, to try and find some hint that I’m not a rabid child-hater.”
Amanda from Maryland is bothered more by people who know she despises children than by those who don’t. “Of course, this could also mean that the latter group just automatically assumes I’ll change my mind,” she says. “I shudder to think.”
And more are joining their ranks. Some childfree people have even stopped liking children – a few have even begun hating them – as a result of their constant roleplaying. “The more people try to convince me that I do love kids and want some of my own, the more vocal I become against children,” says Sasha from British Columbia. “And, of course, the more I say it, the more I feel it.”
Jane from New Zealand notes that both she and her husband are more annoyed by children now than they were in the past. “Children used to be something I’d naturally ignore; now they are something I pretty much abhor,” she says. She attributes this change in attitude to the reactions she and her husband got for their childfreedom: “The more we defended our stance, the easier it became to focus on the truly awful side of being a parent.”
Like Jane, Maggie from New York found herself on the defensive. “Too many insinuations that I’d ‘better get started before it’s too late,’ too many ‘you’ll change your minds,’ and other bingos have made me go on the thermal nuclear offensive when the topic of children comes up,” she says. The offensive works for her: “I tend to mention that if I had kids I’d probably end up killing them out of frustration. If it makes me appear to be a she-ogre, so be it.”
Kristina from Wisconsin sums up the problem by analogy. “I love dogs. But I don’t want a dog. If people kept trying to force me to get one every time I showed my love for a dog, I’d probably start hating them, too.”
Luckily, not all childfree people have faced this particular difficulty. Katie from Oregon says that many people who have learned about her childfree lifestyle are supportive. “They often joke about how I’m lucky and how they regret having kids.” But for those that want to avoid bingos, shunning children is sometimes the only option – regardless of their true feelings.
*The names of people interviewed for this article have been changed to protect privacy.
Copyright . Published 1 February 2007 in Features.
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