On Not Hating Children
Like many childfree people, I knew from an incredibly young age that children were never in my future. When I was about seven years old, I recall one of my father’s coworkers explaining to me the difference between giving birth with and without an epidural (why she was telling this to a young child remains a mystery). After she’d declared that neither experience, drugged or otherwise, diminished her love for her two children, I said, “I don’t want children, and anyway, I would only adopt. There are too many kids in the world without homes.” Not surprisingly, she looked at my precocious young self and said, “Oh, you’ll change your mind.” I told my dad she was wrong – that I knew what I wanted – and I didn’t go back to the office with him much after that.
As I got older, I got much better at navigating these situations with sensitivity. While none of my close friends have children yet, it’s only a matter of time. My best friend has long known that she wants to have kids, as do several of my other friends, but in our twenties, this doesn’t affect us much. We know things will change, but things have already shifted several times by now. Most of us live states or continents apart. We focus on finding love, shaping our careers, various interests and activism, and spend our money on books, travel, and a large assortment of pet supplies. Throwing a few kids into the mix may make our communication more strained in some ways, but we will have to be prepared. I know I could try to explain how much I dislike children and ask my friends to understand, but based on behaviors and comments from other childfree women I’ve met in my life, I’ve decided this won’t work for me. As the one making the less mainstream decision, I’ve decided to take on some extra responsibility for my actions.
Before I go on, let me say that self-blame and guilt are rarely, if ever, productive emotions. I do not advocate that childfree individuals or couples shame themselves into cooperative emotions. But I also believe that as childfree people, we are on a different journey than many others. I’ve learned that in order to support the people I love most, I have to learn to tolerate and accept the idea – and soon, the reality – of my friends’ children. It isn’t about personal selflessness, and I’ll never be the on-call babysitter. For me, it’s about having respect for the friends who respect me.
As an activist working on many social justice issues, I don’t have the luxury of hating children. I may not be at ease around them, but that doesn’t give me the right to discriminate based on age or bad parenting. My goals in life include working towards a more peaceful world for us all, and that doesn’t make space for belligerence and extreme negativity. While I do not intend to have my own kids, I’m slowly learning to like the idea of young people. I’ve worked with teenagers, who I think are often a total delight. I know eventually, I will be in situations with allied activists who tote along their infants and toddlers. I will likely mangle some of these interactions, and I’m quite sure I won’t always remember to be sensitive. But to the parents and children alike, I say this: just because I don’t understand you doesn’t mean we can’t get along. Quite frankly, we need to work together.
For many activists who are childfree, regardless of chosen interest or work, the necessity of children for productive, cohesive organizing is inescapable. In the most basic terms, who will do the work after we are gone if we don’t leave young folk behind to pick up where we leave off? While not having children may be a key component of your activism – alleviating environmental strain from overpopulation, for example – our goals will likely not be met within our lifetimes. The generations that come after us are crucial in continuing to fight for justice and equality, and to not honor and respect them from an early age will only negate much of the important bridge building we may have done along the way.
Like it or not, children are sensitive and intuitive, and regardless of age, it doesn’t take anyone very long to figure out when they are unwanted or actively hated. It isn’t acceptable for people to discriminate against others based on race, gender, sexuality, or age, so how is hating a young person – as opposed to an elderly one – any less awful? Do you walk up to other people you don’t like and declare your disgust? Children are not traditionally considered an oppressed minority, but they do lack many basic rights until they reach a certain age. They can also have a more primal sensitivity that adults lack. If you walked around saying, “I hate kids,” would you really be surprised if one came up and kicked you in the shin? Kids internalize what we teach them. Teach them hate, and coupled with an imposed lack of fundamental rights in their formative years, I guarantee you’ll end up with more disrespectful and defiant kids than this world has now.
When I’m around other childfree people, I wonder why I’m forced to make a case for compassionate awareness. When people use terms like “crotch dropping” and “walking abortion,” I wonder how they respect any human or non-human life (and perhaps they do not). The problem, as I believe they fail to see it, is not with the children: the problem is ignorant, messy, selfish parents, who in turn raise obnoxious children. Some people seem to even lack their own self respect. I recently heard a woman refer to herself as a “step-monster.” I somehow suspect this doesn’t strengthen her relationship with her husband and his children.
You don’t have to adore children, and you probably won’t often like the ones you meet. What you can do is adjust your language and perspective. When I’m in an awkward situation now, I say things like, “I’m not particularly comfortable around kids.” I excuse myself and my behavior and hope a middle ground will be found. I still get annoyed when strollers take up the entire sidewalk, and recently, when a small boy stuck his tongue out at me in the grocery, I stuck mine back out at him (which we both seemed to find much more amusing than offensive). More generally speaking, my actions have refocused on empathy and awareness. My agenda, while valid, is not for me to impose on others. As long as parents and children aren’t threatened by my choices, I can learn to live with theirs.
Copyright Brittany Shoot. Published 1 March 2009 in Editorials.
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Excellent article!
Kids didn’t ask to be brought into this world, but since they’re here they’ve got to be respected for who they are and who they will grow up to be.
Plus if the CF are perceived as a grumpy and hostile bunch, how will the younger generations see that our choice is a valid one?
permalink — 3 March 2009, 08:59