My Wish for 2008? Childfree-dar
My husband and I are quintessentially CF. We are devoted to being self-employed, and have worked every shift over the years. We like traveling, going to restaurants, and making spur-of-the moment plans. We have a deep and fulfilling devotion to our hobbies, including art, antiques, and music. Our house is admittedly fussy, given our love of antiques, though we do make exceptions for our three cats. Our friends tend to be older, or gay, and share our interests, which, much like the period wallpaper samples sitting in our roll-top desk, are an acquired taste.
We have never talked about future plans for children with anyone but close friends. This is, of course, because we don’t want any. I always figured there was no reason to talk about it because, after all, the whole point is that our life is going to stay the same.
After endless hinting from my husband’s mother that she was keeping his collection of childhood knickknacks around for our impending child(ren), we had to let her down.
The response was, naturally, disbelief. But there was something else: she was, I believe, genuinely shocked.
This brings me to my extra-special New Year’s wish: I want to give the world childfree-dar.
There was once a time where most people would see a single man with an apartment in Chelsea, a stylish wardrobe, and an absence of a girlfriend, and think, “I guess he just hasn’t met the right lady. I should set him up with my lovely niece.” Nowadays a decent percentage of the thick, insensitive clods of the universe have extended their antennae enough to sense an alternative lifestyle. They have acquired gay-dar.
Now I’m not saying people should rely on stereotypes, but perhaps they can open their minds, just a little bit, to seeing the possibilities of childfreedom in the person next door. And what, you ask, are the markers of the childfree? Of course there are lots of little, circumstantial things: a certain satisfaction with the design of one’s life, future plans that are inconsistent with child-rearing (ambitious projects or career aspirations), disinterest in the daily activities of taking care of children, or a need for silence or freedom.
But here is the biggest one: never expressing interest in having children.
People that plan on having children but haven’t yet, otherwise known as the childless, talk about their plans for children all the time. They may express concern that their job isn’t suitable for caring for a family. They will talk about baby names. They will talk about grandchildren. They will say, “When we have kids…”
The childfree will not say any of these things, and because everyone expects it, it will be awkward. They will laugh if you mention how cute their children will be and then change the subject. They will be unconcerned that their lifestyle can’t support a family.
So why don’t people see something so obvious?
Of course, the main problem is that none of the things I consider to be the hallmarks of our childfree life ever stopped anyone else. Tell your sister that you love your career and want to devote all your time to it? She knows a high powered lawyer that just had a baby. Can’t afford children and maintain your lifestyle? Mom says no one ever thinks they can afford it.
But it doesn’t matter how many obstacles other people overcome to get to the family finish line. The childfree embrace our lives as they are, and work toward our own goals and life purpose.
So next time someone CF “comes out” to you, don’t act so surprised. Don’t feel betrayed. Don’t ask “why.” Just turn on your childfree-dar and look around. There’s a lot of us out there.
Copyright . Published 1 January 2008 in Editorials.
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