I Just Don't Want 'em. Period.
Childfreedom is not as obscure a concept as it was, say, ten years ago. But despite its legitimacy as a lifestyle choice, some people struggle to “get it.” They hear our reasons, but dismiss them as trivial.
When parenthood is held by our society to be the epitome of joy and maturity, it is hard to understand why some would choose to forgo the experience. So as annoying as the questions may be, it is easy to understand why some would be interested in the reasoning that led to our choice.
For most childfree, the short answer is that we simply don’t want children. We have an utter lack of desire to parent. But it seems as if this is the answer that parents and the childless have the most trouble with. I don’t think I have ever given lack of desire as my answer without the person asking “but why.” To many, lack of interest isn’t a reason. It’s a symptom. And they are determined to get to the underlying illness.
This is usually the point where I trot out all of the good points of childfree life. I explain that I enjoy my lazy weekends and quiet evenings. I talk of how I wouldn’t want any relationships ruined by children. I tell them that I plan to enjoy my career and don’t want to take on the extra burden of a child. But for every point I make, they are sure to give me tips and tricks on how to overcome those pesky problems.
I’m starting to believe that I am at least partially responsible for the bingos I get. In reality, I only have one real reason why I’m childfree. I just don’t want kids. Everything else is a benefit or perk of my choice. That doesn’t sit well with the ones looking to provide a cure for my childfreedom. They’re like the friend that can’t just listen to you vent; they feel the need to fix your problem by giving you really bad advice. They don’t utter “but why” trying to gain understanding. They are looking for a problem that they can solve in order to get you to see that parenthood really is for you.
And I’m giving them ammunition, because I make it seem as if I could just overcome these “problems,” I’d gladly reproduce. So when I explain that I like silence, they explain that there is nothing like children’s laughter. When I say that I want a career, they urge me to be super mom and have both. If I mention wanting to focus on a relationship, they suggest a date night so that we could reconnect.
But the truth of the matter is, if every obstacle created by children could be waved away with a magic wand, I still wouldn’t have kids. It’s not that financial security keeps me from having kids, it’s that I’m glad I won’t have to jeopardize it for kids I don’t want anyway. It’s not that I’m concerned that having children could hurt my career, it’s that not wanting kids means I’ll never have lose sleep over it. There are no problems that can be fixed to my satisfaction, because the problems aren’t real problems to begin with.
Some childfree people have more reasons to their decision than I do. However, the only reason I’m childfree is a lack of desire to reproduce. I’m sure in the future I’ll get more bingos. But as long as I refuse to offer up the ammunition, I can keep the conversation short. Then understanding will just have to descend upon my inquisitor — or not.
Copyright . Published 1 August 2007 in Editorials.
Reader comments
Commenting is closed for this article.
It was so comforting reading your post, Ashley. It is as if I wrote it myself. I’ve struggled with the same issue of trying to make people understand that it has nothing to do with money, career ambitions, fear of pregnancy, fear of not being a good parent, etc. etc. ad nauseum. I JUST HAVE NO DESIRE WHATSOEVER.
Yep, I’m a great nurturer to my pets (nothing like kids, and a stupid comparison on the part of others). Yep, my husband and I are good people with strong values and financial stability. Yep, I ooh and aah at cute baby clothes in stores, and at those cute little cherubs featured in Gap ads. All the REASONS may be there, but without the DESIRE, none of it matters.
I’ve been tempted, on occasion, to liken this lack of urge to what a heterosexual person might say if they were asked why they don’t decide to become gay (or vice versa). Beyond if it’s right, wrong, moral, etc. – it’s about your most basic instincts and urges, right? For the most part, I think it’s fairly unlikely that a heterosexual person would tell you that the only reason they aren’t gay right this very minute is because it isn’t natural, or not what God intended. But for the most part, launching into that whole argument would put me in a defensive position, in which I really wouldn’t be heard – just deemed as angry, or extreme, or otherwise dismissable.
So alas, I also find myself lobbing up those same reasons for a childfree life, when they’re not really even reasons at all, but benefits, as Ashley said. I hope to get to a place where when someone asks that inevitable question, I can deftly cut the conversation off with a firm delivery of the title of this post: I just don’t want ‘em. Period.
permalink — 2 August 2007, 08:53
Thanks for writing this article. I can relate to your feelings, even if someone paid for me to have kids, and I had a nanny, maid, etc. at my disposal to make the job easier, I still wouldn’t take it on. It’s not kids that I dislike either, it’s the role of PARENT. Being responsible for someone else doesn’t interest me – I have no desire to be a manager at work, and I have to no desire to manage the every move of a child. I will never get why this lifestyle seems to appeal to so many. I’m just glad it isn’t my fate, and that women have real options today. I know I would be miserable if I was a parent. I would feel trapped and stilted in my growth, limited and frustrated. Thank God for birth control!
It is difficult for others to understand, but I don’t really know why it’s that important to them. There’s a whole world out there, and people decide to do a wide variety of things with their life. Kids limit what a person can do…there’s only so much you can do in addition to being a parent. I am happy to have the whole world open to me.
permalink — 7 August 2007, 07:49
Simply put, I do not want children because I enjoy returning them to their parents when they become boring, gross or annoying to me. I do not want to deal with the boring, gross, annoying or worrysome and terrifying aspects of raising children. I don’t want to do ALL the HARD WORK it takes to raise a productive human being. I see nothing wrong with being honest enough with yourself to think “that’s not for me” and go with it. I also do not understand why this is such a hard concept for some parents to grasp.
Of course, I also did’t want to do all the hard work it takes to be a doctor, lawyer, vet, research scientist, teacher or astronaut, yet no one asks why I haven’t joined those professions or accuses me of beling lazy, selfish or immature because I’ve made made the decision to not participate in those professions.
permalink — 8 August 2007, 11:27
Very nice article. My way around bingo is to tell those of the childed guild, simply, that I do not like children. They do look at me like I have 6 heads, but I do not feel as though I have to justify my decision to anyone but myself. In my opinion, the supermom or the I can have it all myth, is just that. A myth. Those individuals who believe that they are successfully raising their children while having a great career are blinded. Either they are neglecting their responsibility in one place or the other.
What is more selfish? Having a child raised in a daycare enviornment while you go to work for 8 or 9 hours a day? Or choosing to forgo the child rearing experience to have a fulfilling career and the freedom to retire comfortably when the time comes?
permalink — 11 August 2007, 03:45
Greetings from Mexico City!
Wow! so much in common with other readers!.
It seems that not wanting children is “un-understandable” in various cultures.
I deeply agree with the article and all the comments posted up to now.
As a 40 y.o. male, I once told a some year older close friend with children, that I do not want to have my own and he frowned and harshly answered “How come you do not want kids?”. Some other answers have not been so harsh but reflect a lack of understanding that having children is a choice, not an obligation.
As the other folks commented, I do not want to devote so much time and effort to take care of a child.
I cherish my freedom to do what I am most interested at, like managing my businesses, educate myself, travel, wandering around interesting places in my city, practising sports, reading and sharing a lot of time with my wife.
I find enjoyable to spend some time with nephiews, nieces and friends’ kids; to me this is like having the nice part of relating to children with no unpleasant things like constant supervision, puke, diapers, discipline, day-to-day school issues etc.
People tell that my position is “selfish”. I really do not care to be criticised for that; but seems to me that most people have children expecting a pleasure for themselves, expecting somebody to care for them when old, get the social approval given to parents, or filling up an empty life; those are personal (selfish?) reasons. I have not foud somebody to say “I want a child because I truly want to bring up a productive and valuable person”.
Take care.
permalink — 14 August 2007, 10:41
One way to curtail such a conversation is to say “I wonder why my choices are so important to you? Do you think you may be projecting your own issues or insecurities on me? I’m very happy with who I am, but you don’t seem to be able to accept that. I find that strange.” (Polite, but strong language.)
I’ve only used it once, with a very persistant “must breed” person. Shut them up very quickly! Puts the problem right where it is – with them!
permalink — 22 August 2007, 09:37