How do I say it?
As a childfree woman, I find navigating the social aspects of a pregnancy to be incredibly difficult. Anyone who knows me knows that I have little interest in hearing about children and no interest in hearing about pregnancy. So I rarely have to contend with a rabidly excited newly pregnant woman gushing with joy about the impending birth. However, working and socializing with non-childfree co-workers and friends, I must periodically deal with “the news.”
I usually hear through office chatter or my social networks that someone I know is pregnant before she tells me directly. This is probably because the mother-to-be would prefer to surround herself with others who share her delight rather than with childfrees who are indifferent or who, like myself, would prefer not to see or hear anything about pregnancy. I find the concept of pregnancy repulsive, which, of course, is one of the many reasons I am childfree. My outlook on this subject was formed in high school when I watched the infamous “birth video” and was strengthened when I had a pregnant friend who insisted on forwarding me a weekly e-newsletter containing a picture of a fetus at n-weeks along with a description of what wretched things were happening to and inside of her body at that point in her pregnancy. I very politely requested that she not ever send me such emails again.
Generally, by the time I encounter the mother-to-be, I have gotten through my first round of wondering what would have possessed her to be in the state she is in and, moreover, why she is overjoyed about it. I have had a chance to consider what I will say and how to carefully word it so that I can maintain the social balance but not compromise my true feelings toward pregnancy and children. Nonetheless, I usually find myself at a loss for words.
Do I say, “Congratulations?” On the one hand, the mother-to-be has received what, in her mind, is very good news. Something she has wanted is coming to pass or, if it is an unplanned event, she is nonetheless very happy about it. In a sense, it’s no different from congratulating someone on landing the job they’ve always wanted, even if that job is nothing that would interest me. On the other hand, “congratulations” is somewhat of an endorsement—it suggests mutual joy in the achievement of the person being congratulated. From that perspective, “congratulations” seems a bit disingenuous.
So, no, “congratulations” will not do. “Great!” springs to mind, but the sarcasm in my voice would undoubtedly be detected. “I’m sorry” captures how I would feel, but would probably be considered offensive. Same goes for “Why?”
Inevitably, I find my normally loquacious self tongue-tied.
I have found no great solution to this conundrum. Instead, I have opted for avoidance, which works well most of the time. It may not be the optimal solution, but it is practical. When the topic of pregnancy arises in the office, I head for the bathroom or I bide my time in the cubicle of my childfree colleague, hoping that our intellectual conversation will drown out the unpleasantness. When I am forced to confront the topic, I try to remain as neutral as possible, commenting on things like what type of paint she bought for the baby’s room and where she bought it or reminiscing about how my dad dropped me off at the neighbors’ house the day my brother was born. And I hope the conversation turns into one about paint or neighbors.
Baby showers confound me as well. The first shower I attended was for a friend who knew that I was childfree. She saw that I wasn’t enjoying myself the way her other guests were and explained that, “you really have to like children to have a good time at a baby shower.” Thus enlightened, I decided never to attend another. I have managed to always have “other plans” on the day of the shower, even if those other plans amount to nothing more than re-organizing my sock drawer. I send a card and politely decline.
The office shower, however, presents much greater difficulty. Fortunately, I have been expected to attend only two, one of which was canceled when the guest of honor went into early labor. The agony of attending the other, which occurred quite recently, was lessened by the fact that I have a childfree co-worker who also was expected to attend. We gave each other glances of incomprehension when our other co-workers went ga-ga over gifts of baby booties and diaper bags.
Quite simply, the lexicon of maternity is not one I possess. I understand why the childfree are so incomprehensible to people who have or want children, because I don’t understand the childed either. If childfree is a culture, so is parenthood, and the cross-cultural dialog can be a challenge for members of both. I can respect the sincere desire of many of my friends and neighbors to have children, but it is also something to which I just can’t relate.
Copyright Julie Nisley. Published 1 October 2008 in Editorials.
Reader comments
Commenting is closed for this article.
I was taught that you always say “congratulations” despite your personal feelings about the appropriateness of the pregnancy. It feels wrong to me too.
Neutral expressions of surprise seem to work ok: “Wow!” “My goodness!” “Isn’t that something!” Nobody needs to know that you’re really thinking “Wow! I’m glad that’s not me” or “My goodness! You having a child is a terrible idea!” or “Isn’t that something! I didn’t know you were bright enough to figure that out!”
permalink — 1 October 2008, 12:42
You might want to try something along the lines of “you must be so happy!” The rationalization being that you’re aware that, statistically, women are likely to be happy to be pregnant (it doesn’t mean that you think that they should be). It’s not a great solution, but it may be better than “congratulations.”
permalink — 1 October 2008, 13:20
I agree with Julie and G; a general “holy smokes” usually works for me, and people think I’m happy for them.
And on the topic of pregnancy, am I the only one who gets a little bit of satisfaction out of hearing gory details and feeling so lucky (truth be told, also smug) NOT to be experiencing them myself? Ha!
permalink — 2 October 2008, 14:09
When someone I know gets pregnant, typically I congratulate them and privately discuss with my partner how “their life is over” and how I feel sad for them.
permalink — 2 October 2008, 18:14
I can’t bring myself to congratulate someone for making a choice I don’t really respect. The world is bursting at the seams. It is not right to keep unnecessarily adding people to it. I refuse to endorse the choice to reproduce, because that would be lying on my part and I don’t want to be untrue to my principles.
I usually say “good luck” because it’s not rude and I can say it sincerely because I know they’re gonna need it, but it doesn’t imply any endorsement of their choice on my part. I have never once gotten a bad reaction from a parent-to-be when I say this. They seem to take it as a nod of understanding to how complicated their lives are about to become, which is exactly how I mean it.
Like KC, I too can sometimes take schadenfreude-ish pleasure in hearing about other people’s pregnancy and childrearing woes, because it’s the best validation in the world for my CF choice and makes me feel extra-good that I won’t be going through that myself. (Though this usually works better online than in person because then the poor parent can’t see the horror slowly registering on my face.)
permalink — 3 October 2008, 09:14
I usually go with “Well, good for you! You must be so pleased/excited.” It gets me off the “congratulations” hook, which, I completely agree, is a betrayal of my own beliefs.
It’s a sticky situation, to say the least.
permalink — 6 October 2008, 20:39
This is kinda off topic, but I sorta had the same problem but in reverse when I got engaged. I was just kinda “eh” about it (I love the guy, but the marriage is more for the families), but everyone that found out (they saw the ring, I said nothing) would go nuts about it. I just kinda let them get it out of their system and changed the subject when they started in on wedding plans and kids. Luckily, most of my friends know me enough to move on to greener conversational pastures (before I get angry). :)
permalink — 7 October 2008, 21:16
This article really hit home for me. Thank you for articulating all the things I’ve been feeling – I’ve been thinking I was alone! I offended a friend recently when I wasn’t quick enough with the (insincere) “congratulations” when he told me he was going to be a father.
And @In Reverse – I hear you. My reluctance to tie the knot is related to my steadfast childfreedom and hatred of most weddings. I figure that as long as I’m single, no one will question the fact that I don’t have kids. Every woman I know who has gotten married has started getting pestered almost immediately. In fact, several weddings I’ve been to recently have featured overt pressure for babies. And people wonder why I want to stay far away from the whole thing.
permalink — 8 October 2008, 08:19
I try to stick with “Good for you.” It seems to be the best combination of not making me feel dirty and not making the woman feel insulted. It’s always hard to force that smile, though…
permalink — 8 October 2008, 10:17
I can no longer bring myself to say anything close to “congratulations”. Like the rest of you, I tend to just say something along the lines of “Well that’s good for you”, “best of luck”, or “have fun”. Meanwhile my brain is usually reeling with “Seriously? In these times? You are either filled with delusional hope for the future, or the most thoughtless person in the world.” Which I only share with my SO in private, because when I do question our breeder-friendly/childless friends about why so-and-so is having another kid, I get the talk about how “we can’t judge their parenting, we aren’t parents”. I’m not judging their parenting skills, I’m questioning their judgement skills.
permalink — 8 October 2008, 10:43
I had a similar problem as In Reverse too when I got engaged and then married. Cousins grabbed my hand to see my engagement ring, and then how wonderful it was to see their faces fall in disappointment because it wasn’t a golf ball from Tiffany’s (would rather save the cash for a house, thanks); my husband-to-be must clearly be living in poverty or not love me that much if he wasn’t willing to shell out half his salary for a shiny piece of DuBeers-perfect coal. Coworkers who barely spoke to me before were suddenly stopping by my desk unannounced and asking me about wedding plans. The most honest answer was “I can’t wait for this thing to be over so my life can go back to normal again and I won’t have to waste my time giving a flying fuck about tablecloths and seating arrangements.” (The wedding was fun and great, but I could have done without the planning.) But no, apparently the only acceptable response was to smile so hard about being Princess For A Day that I would start shitting stars.
permalink — 9 October 2008, 17:59
Thank you for this article. I can’t bring myself to say ‘Congratulations.’ People would most likely pick up on the sarcasm. “You must be so happy” seems like a safer alternative as she usually is pretty elated about the whole nasty affair.
Personally, I like to watch Jon & Kate plus eight. It just makes me so happy to never have to do the things they do. It’s a little evil of me, I know. :)
permalink — 15 October 2008, 18:54
I think my congratulations comes from the fact that I’m happy it’s them and not me. I could imagine they are happy (unless I know they werent planning it and it’s a bad time to have a kid) and why devalue that. There isnt any malice in their telling you and that’s what happens. I decided that my congrats would be enough, but I couldn’t engage in the 9-mos process of all necessary arrangements to prepare for the baby.
We’re married and have figured out that steadfastly stating ‘We dont want children’ seems to place us in an ‘evil’ category from which some just cant seem to get their heads out of. They want to pry more but they’re afraid they will learn more nasty things about us.
I enjoy the various ways I can shock people with my answer. The latest is ‘I’d rather have disposable money rather than disposable diapers.’
permalink — 19 October 2008, 16:55
I congratulate anyone who announces a pregnancy to me when I believe they are truly happy about it. I don’t feel any conflict about it since I’m happy that the other person is happy. What I don’t like is when a woman who is expecting won’t tell me she’s pregnant because she assumes I’m going to have a negative reaction. I may be childfree but I’m not going to give anyone a hard time about being pregnant. I’m fortunate to have the choice to be childfree. In order for me to have that choice, the choice to have children must be available too.
permalink — 21 October 2008, 07:52
I too am at a loss for words on what to say when a friend or acquaintance announces their “big news.” My reaction is different depending on the individual, like others have said; I’m generally happy for those who want a child and who I believe would make good parents even though I don’t understand their urge and desire to procreate.
I was writing something very similar to this piece when I was hit with the latest announcement from a friend. It was the first time I really looked at it from the eyes of the parent-to-be. While we struggle to say the right words, those who know us and love us do to. I don’t think it has anything to do with them thinking we’ll have a negative reaction (at least I hope not!), I think our friends are aware of the daily issues we have living in a world that revolves around children and families and are more sensitive to events that leave us out of the fray.
permalink — 31 October 2008, 06:55
I wish I could agree with you, Bombchelle, but in my experience parents and wannabe parents do not understand where the childfree are coming from at all. How can they? They have never been on the receiving end of the emotional bile the CF receive day in and day out. The ones who are our friends may not judge us as much as most people do (after all, we wouldn’t be friends with them if they were total assholes) but I think they still expect us to be thrilled about their Happy New Addition™ even if it means they’ll never have time to hang out with us anymore and likely will spend what little time they do magnanimously save for us talking about the baby instead of about things that interest both of us.
And they’ll expect us to be fascinated because, well, they are. Never mind that they wouldn’t appreciate being treated to an hour-long session of me talking about my childfreedom, they expect me to care about their child-related issues. If I cared one whit about anything child-related, I’d have my own, and they should understand that, except that everyone has been brainwashed into thinking that all people (especially all women) just love children even if they don’t want their own. Well, I don’t love children and I would hope anyone who cares about me as a friend or a relative would respect that. (In case anyone’s wondering, I am female. I realized that wasn’t obvious from my name.)
permalink — 1 November 2008, 09:46