Why is my choice suspect?
I can’t believe I’m 43 and this is still an issue for me. I cannot get used to the horrible reaction I get from people (mostly women) when I confess the reason I don’t have children is because I have never wanted them.
“Selfishness” seems to be the crime I am guilty of and I cannot make sense of this. To be selfish implies there is another person involved whose needs are being neglected to meet my own. Who is this other person? The babies I could’ve had but didn’t? Is the person with 1 child selfish because they didn’t have 3 or 4, but could’ve. Where do you draw the line, 8 or 10 children, and who makes that determination? Most people would say that’s a personal choice – but apparently only if you’re willing to have at least 1, fewer than that and it’s no longer a personal choice but a slap in the face to others. There is recent news of an unemployed mother adding 8 children conceived by in vitro to the 6 she already has. Is she the ultimate in unselfishness or psychologically unstable?
Some parents are not insulted or threatened by my choice. They seem to be the ones for whom having children was natural and they thrive being parents and caretakers.
I suspect those upset by my choice weren’t confident in their decision to become parents, had an “accident,” or couldn’t stand the societal pressure and finally “gave in.” I don’t think their disgust is really with me and my lifestyle, but with having to acknowledge they could’ve followed a different route had they been strong enough to be true to themselves.
From
pemmie.lane
Copyright Martha Kneib. Published 1 April 2009 in Letters.
Reader comments
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I hear you, sister. When people ask if I have children, I say, “no.” If they ask why, I say, “Never felt the need to have them.” It puts the pressure on them to tell me why they felt the need.
permalink — 1 April 2009, 17:20
Pemmie, I have noticed the same thing – that the people who seem to be the most comfortable with my choice are the ones who are happy in their role as parents. It’s the people who are really unhappy parents that seem the most judgemental about my choice not to have kids. It gets you wondering whether the old saying “misery loves company” is correct.
I truly think you hit the nail on the head. When miserable parents are confronted with a happy childfree person, it forces them to look at themselves and realize that they could have made a different (better?) choice but didn’t have the presence of mind (or independence of thought) to do so. And now they are paying the price.
Instead of accepting their failure and judging themselves harshly, it feels better for them to shift the focus to YOU.
Sometimes it’s hard to look in the mirror.
permalink — 3 April 2009, 02:01
Oh MY GOD!!!! You read my mind. I’m 34 divorce, never want children. And when i say no children ppl look at me like I insulted God Itself. I’m getting married for the second time and my fiancee doesn’t want more children either (he has one 18 yrs old, who we love)and people doesn’t look at him like they do me. We all made the right choice.
permalink — 20 April 2009, 14:46