Following Your Calling
When I was in Catholic School, I remember one of the nuns telling us that we shouldn’t waste the gifts God gave us. She said if we didn’t use our gifts, that God would take them away from us. This made me really nervous, and I wondered if it were true.
This same thought seems to be behind some of the peer pressure on childfree adults to reproduce. Remaining childfree is judged as the waste of a life, and the waste of a perfectly good relationship. But I find it odd that exactly the opposite is true of cultivating our other natural talents. In fact, adults are often encouraged to deny their other interests — to waste their gifts — for the sake of the family.
When we were young, we all knew what our passions were. We loved to play the piano, or draw, or play sports. And, when we were children, we had an infinite amount of time to pursue these interests. Our parents signed us up for ballet, karate, soccer, and singing lessons.
Slowly, and sadly, over time, many of us abandoned our passions for another kind of passion — the romantic variety. The byproduct of this passion, of course, is frequently children; they become the main thrust of a couple’s life. And rightfully so, because parenting done well isn’t a side dish, but the main course. The guitar, paint brushes, and soccer ball find a permanent place in the back seat of the family sized car.
Over time, the same parents who abandoned their own meaningful and rewarding hobbies push their children to develop hobbies of their own. Some parents encourage their children to follow in their own footsteps, by getting on the football, debating, or cheerleading team. Reproduction might have derailed their dreams, but maybe their kids will succeed where they did not.
The cycle is complete when this generation of children grow up and are expected to put away their “childish” dreams and to get a job, get married, and start a family of their own. For some, this may be the the right choice. For others, it is a source of frustration.
For some reason, our society assumes that the person who continues with painting, music, or sports is immature, as opposed to fulfilled. Why shouldn’t the talented adult be encouraged to continue on his or her own creative path? Why is parenting assumed to be the only path to true adulthood? Shouldn’t parenting just be one of the items on an extensive menu of choices?
Students are encouraged to do research to determine the career that best matches their personality traits, strengths, and natural abilities. What if “parent” is not on the list of good matches? Society says that just isn’t so, but many childfrees would disagree. “I’m just not feeling it,” a childfree artist once told me with regards to parenthood.
It seems odd that everyone is considered a potential parent, when we would never single out the worst male math student in a class as a potential mathematician, just because “men are good at math.” The wild assumption in our society that all women want children, and are natural mothers, is detrimental to women, especially those who won’t make good mothers but are told “it’s different when it’s your own.” A cursory glance around at the growing number of happily fulfilled childfree women and unhappy mothers tell a different story. Read truemomconfessions.com if you don’t believe me. Or scan your local paper on any average day to find multiple stories of child neglect, abuse, or even murder at the hands of a parent or parent figure.
It is extremely odd that the fruit of our loins is given far more importance than the fruit of our brain. A biological function any animal can achieve is considered the acme of accomplishment, while writing a play or painting a masterpiece, which, so far, no non-human has accomplished, are less valued. We are taught at an early age not to waste our talents, but then we grow up and our only valued talent is the one that every animal shares.
Our lives would be infinitely less rich without the contributions of musicians, artists, painters, and poets. If everyone were solely devoted to childbearing and rearing, artistic contributions would probably take a nose dive. Interestingly, many creative types feel that they giving birth to ideas and beauty through their life work. Having children would feel redundant to them. Besides, true mastery takes time, and free time is often a luxury the parent cannot afford.
Most people are born with both natural talents and aptitudes, as well as the ability to reproduce. Some are called to careers, and may opt not to have children so they can dedicate themselves exclusively to their life work. Others are called to become parents, and choose to dedicate their lives to caring for their children. And some individuals are compelled to have one or more children while simultaneously pursuing a meaningful career.
We can only hope that, over time, all life pursuits will be afforded the same amount of respect, and people will be encouraged to pursue their true passions, whatever they are. Someday, at long last, society will recognize that not all paths lead to a baby, and that parenthood means that other, and perhaps more fulfilling paths, will be forever untaken. Some people aren’t willing to pay that price.
Copyright . Published 1 May 2008 in Editorials.
Childfree novelist here — what an excellent essay. I’m standing and applauding.
permalink — 7 May 2008, 16:16
Wow!
Great piece. I’m forwarding it to all the people I know.
Congratulations
permalink — 11 May 2008, 14:24
This editorial reminded me of the concept of Svadharma which is discussed in the spiritual text the Bhagavad Gita
Here is a definition I found:
“Svadharma implies ambition commensurate with one’s capacity and the necessary inclination… Our well being lies in performing our Svadharma. Paradharma, duty suitable for others but not for us, will positively harm us if chosen by us.” http://www.hindunet.org/gita/
We all have different svadharma and part of our spiritual journeys is to discover it and live it. So as J. points out there are talents and passions that we must discover for ourselves and be true to. Some will have the svadharma of parenthood and others will not. We can have several svadharmas and if we are mostly content we probably are living our svadharma and not paradharma. So do not abandon your passions because they are the way to your joy! Enjoy the journey.
permalink — 11 May 2008, 16:54
I absolutely agree with you. I don´t think that pro-reproducing people actually realize what kind of world would it be if every single one of us would follow the same archetypical path.
Bravo!
permalink — 11 May 2008, 17:03