The "K" Word
When I was in high school, many of the girls believed that men either did not want children or did not care. This was good news for me because, while I’d known from an early age that I did not want children, I had mixed feelings about marriage and was open to the possibility.
To my dismay, in the adult world, I’ve discovered that belief about men to be a myth.
It’s a scenario that repeats itself again and again. I meet a nice man, he asks me out, we go to dinner. We find we have a lot in common. Things are going well. Then, he drops the k-bomb. “I’m really looking forward to Little League games and swim team practice when I have k***.”
It’s over. Any attraction I had for the man is squelched, replaced with a burning desire to be sitting in front of my television with my cats, watching Dateline NBC, and eating ice cream.
People of the childed variety have often told me, “Someday you’ll meet the man of your dreams and you’ll want to raise a family with him.” As if falling in love would somehow blind me to my inherent childfree nature and cause me to do the one thing which is most likely to lead to a breakup of that perfect relationship. (And as if we couldn’t possibly be a family unless we had a child.) I was never so foolish as to believe that I would change. But I wanted so much to meet “The (Childfree) One” that I had to find a way to change the reality that I had not. So, when a date said the “k word,” I rationalized it to mean something other than what it was.
The fantasy I crafted was built around a chain of logic, based on that premise from my girlhood. If it’s true that most men either don’t want children or don’t care, then it must follow that only women yearn for the pitter-patter of little feet. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be maternity wards, Happy Meals, Barney, and other evidence of the child-industrial complex. There is certainly no shortage of children, either in the world or in the United States. Men must notice this, and it must be that, when out on a date, they are playing to the assumption that women want children. Maybe he doesn’t want children—maybe he is just trying to impress me—and failing miserably.
I lived with this fantasy for years, but my stomach kept turning every time I heard the k word. And eventually I owned up to being wrong. I can’t pretend to know what goes on in the male mind, but I had no business denying the truth that was in mine. The reality is this: when a man indicates he sees a future with children, one of two scenarios is true. On the one hand, he may be telling the truth (i.e., he wants children), in which case it’s over. End of relationship. Move on. On the other hand, he may not be telling the truth, and he may simply be trying to charm me, playing to the stereotype that “all women want children” and that talking about children will win him points with me. In that case, he’s being insincere and thus unworthy of my affection. Moreover, he’s stereotyping me and thus unworthy of my respect.
In most cases, I give men the benefit of the doubt and believe it’s the former—they genuinely want children. For me, though, the end is the same. The End. No next date. Back to the dating pool. But, as a busy childfree woman with better things to do, my date has at least spared me added emotional investment in a relationship that would be doomed to fail. Having children is a life-altering decision, and it is one decision on which it is critical that a couple agree. I would never expect someone who wanted children to sacrifice that dream for me, just as I would never sacrifice my childfreedom for anyone.
I still cringe when I hear the k word, but I am also relieved and elated that the facts are laid bare and I am no longer in a state of not knowing. So, all you single men out there who want children: say the k word. Say it loud, say it clear, and say it quickly. I’ve got a childfree life to lead. Besides, I hear this week’s Dateline is riveting.
Copyright . Published 1 April 2008 in Editorials.
Reader comments
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Dating. Ugh. By far the worst thing about being childfree for me. In my country (New Zealand) 1/6 of women my age (44) will never have children (it is projected that 1/4 of younger women will never have children). Let’s do the maths. I don’t want to date a mother or mother to be: 1/6. I don’t want to date a smoker: 3/4. I don’t want to date a person who owns or will own a dog: about 4/5. Multiply them all together and my minimum requirements mean that I’ll only date about 10% of women my age.
But that’s minimum requirements. Then we have optional: above average in bed (1/2) and very affectionate (1/3) so only about 1 in 60 women will keep me happy. Of course, there are lots of other things that come into play: health, wealth, religion, personality and of course whether I can satisfy her requirements. Fortunately online profiles generally tell about being childless and smoking so I’m back to 2 in 15.
It makes me think it’s a miracle that any couples get together.
permalink — 7 April 2008, 03:01
Julie we need to get married NOW.
I’m only 22 but I know I will never be a father. I’ve never thought about how it would affect my dating prospects until recently. But I’m not worried about falling in love with a girl that wants children because before I get close to a prospective partner, I’ll already know.
permalink — 12 April 2008, 10:33
This is a good article, Juliet! BTW, it is worth waiting for the right one! Since nothing is ticking for the childfree singles (of either sex) you don’t have to do what too many of the childed call “settling.”
permalink — 15 April 2008, 17:23
Bravo Julie! Very well written and echoes my sentiments exactly. Is it possible you are my long lost twin? We do share a name, after all.
permalink — 15 April 2008, 17:56
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permalink — 16 April 2008, 06:20