Childfree in the Closet
How do you know when to tell others you’re childfree?
The childfree choice is a valid one but not always an easy decision to stand behind. Between the 24-hour celebrity bump watches, kid-friendly spaces, and family pressure, life can seem like an endless pro-parenthood rally. When everyone around you is following the life script, how do you tell them you have different plans?
While some keep quiet about their reproductive decisions out of a sense of privacy, others feel ashamed to admit that they simply don’t want kids. Depending on your family, religion, or even where you live, it can be hard to view honesty as the best policy. Some people are just not that open-minded.
But it can be hard to keep secrets from those close to you. In today’s society, where no question is too personal, it can even be tough to avoid inquiries from casual acquaintances. But who should you tell and how do you bring it up? Here are some ideas on how to be openly childfree.
Family
There is no pressure like family pressure. Sometimes our families know us best, but sometimes they think they know what’s best for us. You can ignore a stranger’s rude questions or tell a coworker you would prefer to keep your personal life private. Dealing with the family, on the other hand, is often unavoidable.
Parents often have dreams for their children’s future. Many times these dreams involve grandkids. Telling your parents they may be babysitting Fido instead of Junior may be difficult to do. But promising them grandchildren “in the future” is only going to delay the inevitable. If your parents are especially baby-rabid, it may be a good idea to break it to them slowly. Mention casually how much you enjoy your time alone or with your spouse or partner. Discuss how much you enjoy your job, hobbies, or volunteer work. Basically, let them know how healthy and happy your life already is. This way, they are less likely to pressure you so that you don’t “miss out” on the joys of parenthood.
Eventually, you will have to sit them down and lay the cards on the table. Many parents get defensive about the childfree decision, as they take it as an attack on their own choice to reproduce. They may also feel that they did something to turn you off raising children. Let your parents know that your choice is not due to their absolute failure when raising you. Be ready to counter the bingos with clear reasons why you feel the way you do. They may still want to see you as their baby and protect you from yourself. Make sure they know you’ve thought this through.
As a childfree person, you may have already started your family of two. And while it is ideal that the kid question is asked and answered before a serious commitment is made, life does not always work that way. It may be that you put the question off. It could also be that you entered the relationship as a fence-sitter or planned to have children later. If your partner wants to have children or is seriously considering it, it may be best to broach the subject directly. Do try to stay away from the reverse bingos. There is a way to bring up the good points about a childfree life without belittling your partner’s choices. Besides, the last thing you want to do is put them on the defensive. Relationship counseling may be a good idea.
Friends
Once your friends begin to have children, it won’t be long before they start to inquire about playmates for their little bundles of joy. Along with the fear that you won’t have anything in common with them anymore, there is the fear that they will shun you now that they have taken on this new role. Even if your friends don’t have kids, they may still assume your life tract is the same as theirs. After all, people’s closest friends are usually the ones with whom they share much in common.
Broaching the subject casually while out shopping or at the gym may be the way to go. A line like “I’m not sure if I even want to have kids” may open the door for a discussion. If kids aren’t your thing, make sure you let them know that your aversion isn’t to their kids in particular. Mention that you’ll be the perfect friend for when they want to get away from the kids for a few hours. If you love spending time with the little ones, offer to be the cool aunt or uncle.
Coworkers
Keeping your personal life out of the job is always good advice. If all you face are a few nosy coworkers, a simple “that’s a personal question” may do the trick. But when your office atmosphere is tight-knit, this isn’t so easy. If you are adamant about keeping your reproductive decision out of the office, a trip to Human Resources may help. They can help you deal with the problem and may talk to your coworkers about personal questions while leaving your name out of it. If you would rather let them know you’re childfree, answer honestly the next time it comes up. Prepare for the bingos. You’re likely to get at least a few.
But let’s be honest. While it is always the best idea to let a spouse or partner know the deal, some people are really better off not knowing. If there’s a chance your work situation will become hostile, keep the information to yourself.
If more childfree people were willing to say openly that they don’t want kids, it would be easier for the choice to gain acceptance. But there is no reason to make yourself a martyr for the cause.
Always remember that the childfree choice is a legitimate one. There is no need to be ashamed about wanting to live your own life, even if it’s different from the norm.
Copyright A. Sowell. Published 4 May 2007 in Features.
Reader comments
Commenting is closed for this article.
Excellent article…as great as it would be if we childfree had the same option to shout our choice from the rooftop as those who are reproductively-inclined, the support just isn’t always there.
P.S. I think it’s hilarious that we have the same name, with only the difference of one letter! ;-)
permalink — 30 April 2007, 22:02
I’m glad you enjoyed it. It would be great if we didn’t have to be so hush-hush about the decision. Hopefully that will change.
Our names are so close it confused me for a second :)
permalink — 1 May 2007, 06:41
I’m actually kind of afraid to admit that I’m CF to my mother, because she loves kids so much. I make sure it’s known online, but I haven’t told my mom because I KNOW what she’ll say: “You’re too young to know that yet!” “But I want grandchildren!” etc.
permalink — 1 May 2007, 09:18
Thank you for writing this. I am pretty open about not wanting kids, but I’m learning that this isn’t necessarily a good thing. There is definitely still some prejudice against being CF.
I do agree with you that CFs will gain greater acceptance if more people talk their choice.
I’m not sure why it is so controversial. I guess because it’s a new choice, that wasn’t an option before. And because although CFs are becoming more common, we are still a minority.
permalink — 1 May 2007, 12:33
I too did a double take on the names.
Thanks for this article. I recently had a bit of a tiff with 2 good mates over being CF and I have to admit, it bothers me that I am meant to accept their blind breeding while I have to defend my every CF action. WHY?
My mother took some time to come around. She still not convinced that I won’t change me mind, but she’s better now that my sister is going to give her the first grandchild.
I am NOT hush hush about it and after the reactions of the past couple of days from people, I fear I may have to be….but I doubt it.
permalink — 2 May 2007, 05:06
My mother is cool with my being CF. I’m one of her 5 kids and the others are popping out more than enough grandchildren for her. She is glad to have one adult child she can always do atult things with.
My inlaws, on the other hand, are NOT happy about it. Oh, well.
permalink — 2 May 2007, 09:05
Yes, why are we so controversial? That could be the subject of an upcoming June editorial!
For us modern women who think we have all the choices in the world, it is strange to be publicly and socially judged when we chose the path less trodden.
The reactions seem to lessen, the older I get. Or, perhaps I am just getting better at responding.
permalink — 2 May 2007, 16:53
Typo in the URL on that last comment. Mea culpa!
permalink — 2 May 2007, 16:54
This article came at the perfect time as I announce my approaching wedding in August. I’m always trying to sidestep those prying questions and it’s become particularly uncomfortable as the big day approaches. I don’t understand why it’s ok to ask someone if they’re going to reproduce. And I find it even harder to comprehend why some people are so mean when they find out I choose to be childfree. It’s really hurtful. A part of me wants to proudly declare my choice and yet another part of me wants to hide away. It’s all very confusing!
permalink — 3 May 2007, 19:59
Thank you for this article. I worked up the gumption to come out of the childfree closet to my parents and after talking it through a little, they seem to be all right with it. They’re probably secretly hoping that I will change my mind, but I won’t hold that against them. I don’t expect them to applaud my decision — it’s 24-hours-a-day badgering that I won’t tolerate.
permalink — 15 May 2007, 23:44
Excellent piece! I am definitely not afraid to defend my choice to be childfree. Many people have told me straight up after I have said I do not plan on having kids that they are disappointed in me. I take it with a grain of salt and tell them to talk to me when I am 55 and retired and living a happy and healthy life with my husband. I sometimes have to remind people having children is a CHOICE, they have made their choice and I have made mine.
permalink — 27 May 2007, 08:41