Childfree in a Military Community
Being childfree was never an issue for me until about four years ago. Before that time, I was unmarried and in graduate school, which is, of course, a very friendly environment for the childfree. Shortly afterward, I married and moved to Germany with my husband, who is in the Air Force. I looked forward to meeting new people and embracing the overseas experience, so imagine my surprise when all the military wives surrounding me treated me like I had a disease. Most of them were young wives who had married fresh out of high school and began having kids shortly thereafter. They knew no other way of life, so the concept of being childfree was completely foreign and unnatural to them. Of course, I got the types of responses that we childfree folks use to play Bingo, but I also heard one that struck me as being the most ridiculous thing I ever heard: “You have lots of free time while you’re stationed here, so you might as well have a kid to give you something to do.”
What? Please tell me that is not a reason people use to justify having kids while they’re here.
Besides, I’m in Europe! Do you think I want my travel to be hindered by kids? I am free to go wherever I want, whenever I want, because I have no children to consider. And for that reason, I feel like I’m able to make the most of this experience. Instead of packing up the kids for the annual trip to Euro Disney, my husband and I stroll hand-in-hand along the picturesque, romantic canals of Bruges, or linger over a picnic lunch at the Luxembourg Gardens in Paris. Besides, it’s not easy to push a stroller down cobblestone streets. I’ve seen mothers attempt it.
But I’m not the only one who gets harassed about my childfree status. My husband actually gets it worse than I do. I’ve been told that I’m not a real woman unless I’m a mother, and apparently, my husband is not a real man unless he can prove the power of his seed. Frequently, he comes home from work, irritated because one of his colleagues gave him a hard time about not wanting to be a father.
There are so many incentives for military folks to have kids. More pay is the most obvious benefit. Just looking through the base newsletter, I see an announcement for “Bundles for Babies,” which is a program where you get tons of free stuff, just because you get pregnant. There is an ad for MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) which contains the slogan “because mothering matters.” There is expectant parents education, WIC (a program where mothers get free food for their kids), and activities and events that are more kid-friendly than adult friendly. And of course, you have the monthly birth announcements. Half of the newsletter is devoted to advertising children and family programs and organizations.
Even the women’s organizations that I joined have been invaded by babies, because the mothers are unable to part from their children for a few hours. Trips that are sponsored by Morale, Welfare, and Recreation that are obviously for adults (wine festival, anyone?) are also becoming family affairs. I’m sure it’s quite an education for young children to spend their day in the presence of drunk people.
Why does the military encourage having children? Is it because they want kids who are bred to be the next generation of Armed Forces men and women? Is it our patriotic duty as military wives? Who knows?
Personally, I don’t think the military is as pro-family as they like to advertise. Deployment dates get changed constantly, which upsets the family balance. Moving around every few years is also difficult on kids; they don’t have any place they can call home, and they have to leave old friends and make new ones. I can’t imagine trying to raise kids on my own while my husband is deployed, nor would he want to miss crucial milestones in their lives if we did have children. And if, Heaven forfend, anything should happen to him, would I want to raise fatherless children? These are all issues that a military spouse should consider before having kids. Fortunately, these are things that don’t concern me.
I was told once that people who are stationed here leave Germany with one of two things: a cuckoo clock or a baby. It should be obvious by now which one I will take home.
Copyright . Published 1 April 2007 in Features.
Reader comments
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As a military brat, I know exactly what you’re talking about. The typical military wife I remember is laden with kids and stays at home doing mom things and has no life of her own. Yuck. And especialy if you’re stationed in Europe of all places? They say you’ll have nothing to do! BS! Let’s get out a map and put a pin on everything there is to do: Stockholm, London, Copenhagen, Rome, Prague… How the heck is having a kid more fun than that?
Hmm…maybe I should marry an air force guy so I can live in Europe… :)
permalink — 5 April 2007, 10:50
Thanks for this article. I can totally relate! My husband is also in the military and we’ve been dealing with the same problems for years.
I’ve never been very welcome at the wives group meetings and in many of the units we’ve been in, they wouldn’t invite me at all! I haven’t minded as much, but I feel so bad for the new wives who need the support and social aspect of it but were excluded for not having children.
When my husband deployed, the other wives actually had the nerve to say it’s no big deal for me, because I don’t have kids. I think it’s worse for the childfree person when her spouse deploys because her whole family is gone! Not only is my whole family gone, but the wives group excludes me for not having kids, so I end up completely on my own. At least they have their kids and the other wives to keep them company!
permalink — 9 April 2007, 14:56
My husband is also active duty Air Force. I cannot tell you how many times my husbands troops tell him how lucky he is that he doesn’t have kids. They never wanted kids, but their wives wanted kids etc…
I am so lucky. Married 16+ yrs with no kids. 4 cats now, but now kids.
permalink — 23 April 2007, 22:48