Childfree: Are Our Parents to Blame?
Being “bingoed” is an inevitable part of being openly childfree. Learning to put up with ridiculous statements and questions from both close friends and family and total strangers alike is essential. Regardless of how well you’re prepared to tackle accusations of selfishness and the infamous “It’s different when they’re your own,” you will sometimes face a bingo that will just outright boggle you. For me, this notorious bingo was “Your parents mustn’t have raised you well to think like that. I bet you don’t get along with them at all.”
I was absolutely baffled! Here was a stranger assuming something so outlandish about two of the most important people in my life – my mother and father. I was perplexed and angry at this baseless presumption that I was poorly raised. I believe I was raised very well by my parents. I was a little bit spoiled, but never extravagantly. I would be sufficiently praised for a good report card and consoled for a poor one. I was often encouraged to eat well and spend time outside. Finally, though my parents were rather firm believers of the “kids will be kids” mantra, they did not accept poor manners or misbehavior in public.
The second assumption was that I did not get along with my parents. Like any kid, I had my share of “I hate yous” and door slams, but I generally got along great with my parents. My father and I have a fascination for video games that started when we first played Super Mario Bros. together. That fascination remains, as we recently purchased an XBOX 360. He has been a little strict and overprotective, but has looked out for my best interests. My relationship with my mother has been a little rocky, I’ll admit. When I was younger, she was definitely my favorite since she was more lenient with me. However, as I was entering my teenaged years, she became strict and even emotionally and physically abusive. At this point, I did hate my mother and developed an anxiety disorder from all the stress. However, my mother was – and still is – suffering from psychosis. Once she got help, and showed improvement, she was just like I knew her beforehand and I loved her even more. Currently, my relationship with my parents is great and quite possibly the best it has ever been.
Even after much thought, it is my opinion that the way my parents raised me and my relationship with them has had little, if any, effect on my decision not to have children. Perhaps I am unwilling to pass along the risk to another generation after seeing its effect on my mother. However, this did not make me childfree, it only strengthened my resolve. I have many other reasons that I cannot attribute to my parents.
But a thought occurs – not every childfree individual led the same life as me and shared my parents. So, in some cases, is the assumption that an individual’s parents can affect their childbearing decisions true? I decided to find out. To do so, I headed to LiveJournal’s childfree and cf_hardcore communities and requested member participation in a simple survey. While by no means a scientific or completely credible survey, it has offered some interesting information and insight. Forty-one people, the overwhelming majority female, responded.
Participants were asked about their current relationships with their parents and their relationships growing up with them. The results are as follows:
- Nearly ¾ of participants described having a positive relationship with their mothers as they grew up. The majority of remaining responses were neutral.
- Positive responses dropped to ½ concerning the participants’ current relationships with their mothers.
- When asked about their relationships growing up with their fathers, responses were almost equally divided between positive, negative, and neutral.
- Relationships with the participants’ fathers improved slightly and the majority currently have average relationships with their fathers.
- Fun fact! Seventy-five percent of participants generally acknowledged Mother’s Day in some way. A little more than half did the same in regards to Father’s Day. This is not necessarily an indicator of a good relationship, but it can be. For example, Cecelia S. acknowledges the holidays with “a meaningless gift.”
- The majority of responders said that they feel closer to their mothers than their fathers.
One conclusion that can drawn from this information is that a woman’s childbearing (or lack thereof) can be impacted by a poor relationship with her father. However, I didn’t even realize this possibility until observing the responses and translating them into numbers and percentages. There was really so much variety in the replies that I could not name the relationship a major cause. I bet that if I were to submit the same questions to individuals with children or those who plan to have children, the results would be very similar. I do not believe there is any overwhelming evidence that our relationships with our parents affected our decision to forgo childbearing.
When asked outright if participants believed that the way they were raised affected their decision, the responses were split, with 56% saying no, 38% saying yes, and the remaining 6% unsure.
Melanie A. believes her parents did indeed affect her, saying, “They’ve threatened to divorce each other over conflicts regarding me. I definitely would never want a person who (sic) we created together to threaten my relationship with my partner. That just seems foolish to me.” Christina S. partially blames the fact that “[she] got to experience what it was like to feel unwanted by [her] mother,” stating that she couldn’t put a child through that. Silver N. experienced child-proofing firsthand, asserting that her mother wasn’t “able to decorate the house the way she wanted to” until she was in her teens, giving her little interest in doing the same.
The majority, however, believes that their parents did not affect their decision. Pixie K. wrote that “both of [my] sisters want to have kids, and [we] were all raised the same.” Gayle M. said “[my] parents adore kids. They love being parents. They love being grandparents.” Gayle believes, if anything, they should have instilled a maternal instinct in her; this is obviously not the case.
This survey provided me much insight into the lives of fellow childfree individuals. Did it answer my question? Not really. The responses were so diverse that it is difficult, if not impossible, to pin anything down. It is indeed possible that our parents can affect our choice not to have children, but when this is the case, it is rarely the sole reason. Our decisions are often complicated and feature many motivations. In the end though, as far as I’m concerned, this bingo has been refuted.
Copyright . Published 1 July 2007 in Editorials.
Reader comments
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I’m not sure where the “Your parents must have raised you wrong” one came from, myself. I thought only hardcore fundamentalists raised their children to have a specific worldview.
permalink — 3 July 2007, 05:37
This is a very popular myth about CF folks. It’s so bogus and assumptive.
Personally speaking, I have always been close with both of my parents and I had a great childhood.
I think one’s decision not to have children is more related to tolerance and their feelings about having a child dependent upon them…the relationship with one’s parents isn’t nearly as significant as that IMHO. Plenty of people with terrible parents have kids just so they can raise them the opposite of how they themselves were raised.
permalink — 11 July 2007, 20:18
I agree with Childfree Chick. I don’t think it has anything to do with your parents, and everything to do with not wanting some needy creature sucking the life out of you for the next 18-20+ years. Also agree that the people with bad childhoods almost always want to have kids because they want to do it better than their parents did. Like trying to relive their childhood through their own kids.
I had a great childhood that I wouldn’t trade and had/have a good relationship with both parents.
I think this excuse is just something parents use to try and make themselves feel better about having kids.
permalink — 12 July 2007, 12:58
Great article!
One of the biggest myths about CF folk is the “bad childhood” hypothesis. I was taking a lot of psych. courses before I came to my senses and switched majors. One of my biggest turn-offs to that field was the hang-wringing that surrounded the CF lifestyle. So many assumptions, so little truth.
This piece blows those assumptions out of the water. Psych/Soc students take note!
permalink — 12 July 2007, 18:14
I disagree with those who claim that childfree people—of which I am one—have had bad childhoods. Although every family has some problems, and my parents did divorce, I must also note that my parents communicated well with me, I was never “lost in the shuffle,” and to this day I value the experiences I had as a youngster. I have very positive relationships with my mother, father, stepfather and extended family. I knew when I was a child that I didn’t want children. I do not know the reason for this, if there is any other than that is just the way I am: the “maternal instinct” never kicked in for me, other than taking in stray animals. (grin) I think your article is excellent and, as someone whose friends are having kids left and right and questioning my stance on being child-free, gives me some good points for discussion. Thanks.
permalink — 13 July 2007, 12:46
I have one sibling, a sister. Neither of us is interested in having kids, both of us are married. Although we wanted for nothing, my Mother made it clear to us as kids that having us held her back from doing what she wanted to do in life. My fater didn’t understand girls and was rarely around for our softball and basketball games, as well as our first dates. I’m pretty sure its made an impact on my decisions and those of my sister. This study has some merit.
permalink — 27 July 2007, 07:01