Are You Afraid of Expressing Yourself?
You should never be afraid to verbally express yourself. If you are familiar with what it’s like to be shy, you know how tough it can be to make your voice heard. Thankfully for most of us, years of experience, creativity, and knowledge can nurture enough confidence to speak with a modicum of tact, humor, insight, and depending on the subject, expertise. This is especially important for those who wish to defend a life-altering decision like remaining childfree.
Expressing yourself in writing is different: You can usually edit to your heart’s content before sending your message, and writing in general is certainly not the same as having a conversation, since there’s no body language and no inflection. Expressing yourself without words (art, music, miming, etc.) is even more subjective; therefore, this article will focus on face-to-face conversation.
Be Confident
Some folks attempt to please everyone all the time, rarely standing up for what they believe in. You may express yourself with incredible compassion, but if you speak with uncertainty, you will turn off everyone around you. It’s terribly difficult to respect someone who frequently bows to others’ opinions, and thus seems to have no spine.
Don’t misunderstand – you may be very amiable, creative, and good-natured, but you may also need a shot of conviction. (Straight up, no ice.) If you’re frustrated by your tentative speaking style, you can do something about it. Ask people you trust how you can improve your confidence, or perhaps take a public speaking course like Toastmasters. As the very least, remember that courage comes from faith in yourself.
Be Honest
Honesty is not to be taken lightly, but some people may be afraid of being rejected for their honest opinions. This is a natural human reaction, especially during our formal school years. However, agreeing with a viewpoint that you don’t truly believe in is not healthy.
Willingness to speak up confidently about a subject is commendable, to be sure, but if you’re blatantly lying just to “fit in” or otherwise be accepted by a group, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Sometimes it is easier to simply agree (i.e. compliment someone’s hairstyle when you think it’s horrid) than to tell your differing opinion, but the more you allow “little white lies” to invade your speech, the more dangerous you become, both to yourself and to those around you. Break the habit.
Be honest with yourself and show integrity in your conversations. Speak your mind graciously and diplomatically. So what if you’re ridiculed a bit? Big deal. So what if you can’t find the exact words you want? Keep practicing and you will. Read a thesaurus if you need to.
Note: Obviously, if you’re in a situation where expressing yourself will cause you major bodily harm or lose a cherished relationship, it might be prudent to stay silent.
Be Tactful
Two women knocked on my door one morning and asked me to consider joining the Church of Saint-Whatever-They-Said. I remember being in a decent mood, despite the intrusion, but I’m not a religious person, so I was fully prepared to nicely yet firmly decline their offer. The younger of the two finished her five-second speech, but before I could answer, the older lady jumped in with, “All educated people agree on that.”
How rude is that? So, if I don’t agree with your religious viewpoint, then that makes me a moron – is this what you’re telling me, lady? She probably meant well, but she seemed completely oblivious to (or perhaps didn’t care about) what her words insinuated. She was not necessarily mean-spirited, but she wasn’t tactful, either.
Although most people rightfully have no qualms about expressing themselves, some often don’t think before speaking, and this gets them into trouble. If you want to give your opinion, that’s great, just give yourself a few seconds to decide on the best words and tone for your audience.
You don’t have to talk backward like Yoda, nor consult a dictionary every time you speak. Simply put yourself in your audience’s place, and consider what you are about to say from their point of view. This is called tact, friends. Think before you speak.
Remember:
- Be confident, not cocky.
- Be honest, not a liar.
- Be empathetic, not a jellyfish.
Expressing yourself is a simple matter of combining sincerity, poise, and discretion. Find that middle ground, and your voice will be heard and respected.
Copyright Len Morse. Published 1 June 2009 in The Zone.
Reader comments
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Hi Len,
Delighted to discover your column, and I’m inspired by the topic. (I hope my five children won’t disqualify me from participating:).
My parents always said: “Look people in the eye when you speak. Listen more than you talk. Be pleasant.”
Those were good lessons, often lost in an Internet age. So many people unleash words without considering or caring about the effect on others.
Ultimately, commmunicating with emotional intelligence requires empathy. You need to hear your words as they will filter to the other person, and not just react, blast, or dump your thoughts on them.
And like you wrote, Len, you can be honest, direct and assertive without being rude. What a lesson for our age!
Thanks,
Barbara
permalink — 2 June 2009, 05:40