A Change of Heart
I remember the conversation as if it happened yesterday. He sat hunched and miserable on the couch, and said, “You don’t want kids, do you?”
My reply was automatic, the same reply I’d given him on every other occasion the subject had come up. “No.”
He lifted troubled eyes to mine and said, “If I move in with you, I’ll never be a dad.” It was suddenly, crushingly clear that with that sentence, our relationship of almost four years was coming to an end.
When I sat down a few weeks later and Googled the phrase he wants kids, I don’t, I was surprised to find a number of kindred souls pouring out their disappointment, anger, and hurt on blog sites and forums. It seemed I wasn’t alone. What happened to make our partners change their minds? What did we do wrong? Why did I feel so cheated?
Whoever said that the only certainties in life were death and taxes forgot about change. Often at the start of a relationship, you truly feel that you want the same things out of life – or at the time, that your differences aren’t a big deal. As time ticks on, it’s only natural that your needs and desires might change. This isn’t restricted to the issue of children – it happens over money, family, where you’re going to live – all important issues that partners need to resolve.
For people in their twenties and early thirties, there are often pressing realities to be dealt with before they think of family. Schooling. Career. Student loans. Purchasing a home. But at the same time, societal pressures are aimed squarely at their reproductive status. Friends begin to pair up and make babies. Parents begin to make expectant grandparent noises. Every relative in your family tree suddenly feels they have carte blanche to counsel, cajole, and comment. If you’ve been firmly in the “undecided” camp on the children issue, the pressure to conform can be immense. Many women also hear the ticking of the biological clock loud and clear as they move into their thirties, and panic sets in as time starts to run out.
So what happens on the day when your partner says wistfully, “I know we said we didn’t want kids … but …”
For a number of people, the idea of a child is something that slowly becomes more or less important as time passes. Many people think of children in the abstract, rather than the concrete, until they realize something has changed, solidified, one way or the other. It may be literally instant, or happen over a period of time. Discovering the reason for the change is the necessary first step to addressing the issue. Address it you must – because once the elephant enters the room, it’s staying.
Communication is key. Your partner needs to be open and honest with you about the reasons for their change of heart. This is not a time for recriminations, threats, or ignoring the issues. It’s likely to be an emotionally charged roller coaster for everyone involved.
The positions of both people need to be clearly understood before you can start looking for a resolution, and the outcome needs to be acceptable for both. If one party is pressured or cajoled into a solution with which they’re not completely happy, the inevitable outcome will be resentment. Take as much time as you need to work through the feelings and emotions that come up. If you doubt your ability to undertake this process yourself, a counselor is a good option.
As for the end result, that’s going to depend on you and your partner. Every relationship is different, and the understandings and expectations between you and your partner are crucial. Did you discuss children? Did your partner think that you would “change your mind” as time went on? Are they feeling guilty about not giving their parents grandchildren? Do they even realize that having children is a choice and not an obligation? It takes two people to make a child, and those people will be responsible for that child for a large part of their lives. This is not an issue that should be compromised on. Be very clear that if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.
There are many examples of couples who work through the issues and come out the other side happy, committed, and secure in whatever choice they make. But it is possible that the outcome will be the end of the relationship. If you don’t want children, and your partner does, there may be no other solution. As much as it hurts, you need to accept that this is actually a positive move for both parties. Love yourself enough to move on, and find that person who will want you for who you are, and respect your reasons for remaining CF. At the same time, accept your partner’s differences, and free them to follow their dreams.
Copyright . Published 1 January 2008 in Editorials.
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